Relearning To Live
by FlysWithNoWings
Summary: Vaguely, she wonders if it's too late to perform Seppuku so she can regain her honor in the release of death. / / Or, Emily's life falls apart and is put back together.


Title: Relearning To Live

Pairing: Mike/Emily, Gradual Jayden/Emily, hints of Mia/Kevin

Rating: T/PG-13

Word Count: 5,009

Disclaimer: Sadly, I'm not Saban. Otherwise there would be more Jemily moments and Mia and Kevin would be a couple.

Summary: Vaguely, she wonders if it's too late to perform Seppuku so she can regain her honor in the release of death. Character death. Memily with a gradual switch to Jemily.

_Her life was perfect. And then, in a flash, it isn't. _

v.

She doesn't know how long she lies there. _DaysHoursWeeks_, everything blends until there's pain and darkness and nothing else. Everyone she had ever trusted and loved had either left her or died. Even Serena, as long as she had fought her battle, had eventually succumbed to the illness coursing through her veins. _What is life, if there's only pain?_

There's a light, coming from somewhere, and it burns and all she can see are hazes of black and white patterns pulsating behind her eyelids. And it's a foreign feeling, hands of flesh pulling her into a seated position and then into a warm embrace, and for a moment she allows herself dreams instead of nightmares.

"_Mike_?" And if that's her voice, than it's the most broken and weak sound she's heard in her entire existence.

She's lifted into the man's arms and even if she'd wanted to fight her way from the warm embrace, and her first human contact in who knows how long, she knows she doesn't have the strength, "No. Jayden."

Stoic Jayden Shiba had come to save her when all she wanted was death. _(Vaguely, she wonders if it's too late to perform Seppuku so she can regain her honor in the release of death.)_ Her mind is reeling, backtracking sluggishly, when a revelation slips through her haze, "You weren't there."

His muscles stiffen, and for a moment his footsteps falter, "It's my fault, none of this should have happened."

Fighting open swollen eyes, she's privy to the raw emotion playing out across the scarlet ranger's face. For some reason she can't bring herself to say that he's wrong, and she's certain he isn't right. But right now, the pain is still too real and cutting, so instead she closes her eyes and fists his shirt into her hand.

He lays her on her bed and when he attempts to turn away, her hand tightens desperately, "Don't leave me."

"I came to…" _Say goodbye _hangs in the air unsaid as his fingers come to rest on top of the fist entwined with his shirt.

"Everyone else is already gone," and she's so tired and all of the strength she had left seems to evaporate from her all at once, "Everyone left-left _me."_

vi.

She doesn't cry.

He doesn't leave.

"You know I'm pregnant, right?" His face remains unchanged, but his eyes' protective wall shatters before her.

"No. I didn't know."

_The clock on the wall has never ticked quite so loudly._

i.

They were a child's fairytale. The gentle mannered blonde and the ADHD rebel with a love for video games, so naively dancing into the innocence of love. His dark olive skin and mossy colored eyes contrasted in harmony with her sun kissed complexion and her chocolate orbs. He was her Prince Charming and her eyes glimmered each time he cast a toothy smile in her direction. They naturally leaned in to each other's presence when in close proximity and their hands hovered within inches of the others from the magnetism of their attraction.

He was protective of her and she constantly worried for him. After battles it wasn't rare to find that his fingers were prone to curiously tracing blushing cheeks before the forest samurai would hesitantly lean in and press a kiss to her forehead. She was purely and wonderfully innocent; a smile spread wide was capable of brightening his life and when he was hurting, her heart was aching.

A white dress, falling lilies, and a timid kiss and they're chasing happily ever after together.

But they're the samurai versions of Romeo and Juliet, the star-crossed lovers. So naturally, they're fated for disaster.

ix.

Screaming. She's got a Baoding ball in her hand and she throws it, not at his head just at the wall near it. He's trying to control his inner turmoil but with the tinkling of the ball he finds that that was the last straw. He's in front of her in three strides and he's caught her wrist before she can strike him. She crumbles.

He catches her.

_("Why does everyone always leave?")_

It's the first time she allows herself to really and truly cry. She clutches him desperately to her and he situates her head against his neck as he holds her tightly in his arms. Everything had already fallen apart, now it was just the final pillars crashing down around them. They had found Mia that evening, eyes glazed over, her arm wrapped with a rope and a hypodermic needle protruding from her.

Jayden had her in a rehab before she ever came out of her drug induced stupor.

She couldn't forget the way her friend had been shaking uncontrollably, soaked to the bone from the frigid rain, but so far under the effect of the drugs she couldn't even tell.

_(They never knew pain before her.)_

xiii.

She's often wondered why she had damned herself to this. He had been the only one there _(the only one to stay) _so maybe it was a natural inclination to seek the warmth from his constant pillar of solace. But she'd always been the weak link of the team, the first one to bend and consequently break, so needing someone to be there and hold her after everything, despite her desperation to be her own strength, wasn't exactly out of character for her. Now though, while she lies in bed with him so close but so emotionally far…"I can't do this anymore."

Tears are glistening, unshed in her broken eyes, as his only response is the muscle in his jaw jerking. _(She promised herself she would never cry again, but she's losing her resistance with each moment that passes by)_ Her knees pull into her chest as she slowly closes her eyes, for some reason she'd hoped he might be different.

The springs in the bed groan as his weight lifts from it, and Emily's biting sharply into her lower lip _(this is something she doesn't know how to handle)_. He was supposed to be her resurrection, her second chance after losing her everything. She'd had Prince Charming, and he'd been wonderful and amazing and her perfect _everything_ for happily ever after, but now that Cinderella had woken up after it all came crumbling down around her she found that she wanted someone who had maybe hurt just as much as she had instead. The comparisons are making her head swim, because she was never a princess-only a replacement _(but that's a whole other can of worms.)_ Now all she can feel is pain_pain_pain and she just wants, just for a moment, for it to all stop so she can breathe! Overall she just wishes she didn't have to feel the break that was splitting her already shattered heart _(but that might just be the heartburn talking)_.

His fingers curl around hers.

ii.

Her cheeks are flushed with excitement as she presses his hands to her flat stomach, and the hyper man before her falls to his knees as his mouth hangs open in awe.

It's a while before he finds his voice but when he does, the question is so _Mike_ that she knows everything's going to work out, it doesn't even faze her, "So…it's like the size of a peanut right now?"

And she finds it endearingly cute that his green eyes are squinted at her stomach as if he's trying to find a minute bump that wasn't there the moment before she told him.

"I guess," she laughs throatily.

He's in complete reverence as he places a kiss to the smooth skin, his hands moving to rest on her hips, "Your Mommy is _so_ amazing, little Peanut."

viii.

The first time she leaves the vicinity of the master bedroom she's surprised to find the red ranger shirtless in a handstand with his toes resting on his head. The quiet gasp that escapes her is only registered by a slight shift in his breathing. She slips into the kitchen and places a hand on the swell steadily developing under her shirt before she's opening the fridge and searching for the chocolate pudding her husband had always kept in stock. _("Emily come on, it's got…you know chocolatey goodness! So there, it's good for you!")_

There is none, but the shelves are stocked with fresh vegetables and juices. Staring at the spread before her, she feels like she's been left behind and consequently in the process forgotten how to breathe. "Emily," his voice comes as a surprise and she jumps.

The brunet gestures to the top shelf of the refrigerator, "Ji sent over sushi if you're feeling up to it. There's also salad or left over Pad Thai if you'd prefer that."

She nods and turns back, "Where's the pudding?"

He tilts his head at her, brow furrowed in confusion, "What pudding?"

_(It's such a simple thing but it feels like everything she knew was gone.)_

xi.

"Why weren't you there?" She doesn't sound furious or resigned, but purely curious. Her eyes don't meet his, instead opting to follow her fingers as they trace patterns of paint onto her swollen belly; swirls of reds, blues, and yellows that meld into purples, greens and oranges.

His throat tightens as his eyes follow a trail of red that leads to her belly button, "There was a police call, a step-father was holding a four year old girl at gunpoint because her mother had filed for divorce. I knew it wouldn't take me long to get her out of there safe. I should have just left it to the authorities, _he _would still be here."

A hand covered in red and yellow rests on his forearm and she genuinely smiles at him, "I don't blame you. You did the right thing; Mike would have made the same choice."

Slowly he nods and watches as a mischievous look sparks in her eye and she wipes her colored hand on his face. Her bubbling laughter is infectious and he's chuckling as he swipes some paint from her bump and wipes it over her face and laces his colored fingers into her hair. At the end of it they're thoroughly coated in the rainbows of paint and the couch is most likely ruined, but they're sitting in close proximity and they're more relaxed in each other's presence than the two had ever been before.

"So did you get her out, the little girl?" It's said as an afterthought, as if realizing she'd fallen asleep during a story and never actually heard the ending.

He nods, "Yeah, she was a little shaken up but she was glad to be with her mom. Her step-father was incarcerated and he's been there since."

Emily smiles and draws a line of red under his eye, "Good."

_(Maybe this could turn into something more.)_

iv.

"Wh-what do you mean?"

Her body is trembling, shaking, convulsing. Her world turns black and she falls down_down_down. Colors are blending as a light comes into her line of sight, and she can't remember how she found herself lying on the ground, until she remembers why everything within her _aches_. Her partners, her _teammates_, are standing away from her with tears sliding down reddened cheeks-and now she knows it's true.

"…_Mike_?" It's a whisper, a plea, begging for it to be anything but.

"He didn't make it out Em," Mia whispers, hands trembling as she hugs herself.

In that moment she's forgotten how to breathe and what emotions are supposed to feel like. _(Because all she can feel is this broken_ ache_ that's thrumming violently throughout her limbs.) _She's shaking her head as she stares at Kevin in desperation, "_No, no, no_…He _promised!_ He said…he said he'd come back! He's not, he can't be…"

The pink ranger is shaking her head, long black strands of hair hanging limply in front of her face, "I've gotta…" she gestures vaguely behind her, shaking her head as more tears rolled down her cheeks before she's sprinting away from them.

"My...and I promised…" Kevin babbles before he turns his head in shame and walks away.

Antonio stares blindly at the carpet beneath his feet, hands clenching and unclenching, before shaking his head and meeting her eyes, "I'm sorry, Emily."

In a flash she's alone, lying on the ground with tears pouring down her face and with everything feeling so raw and shattered.

In this moment, time stops. _(And she wishes for death.)_

xii.

They sleep next to each other on the large expanse of California king bed; him on her side, and her on Mike's. When she violently tosses and turns during the night from terrors plaguing her dreams, he pulls her into his arms and just holds her. They never speak during it or of it, but at the time it's a welcome escape from imagining the team at their worst. And when his body is overcome by night sweats and trembling, she holds him close and wraps blankets tighter around him until he wakes up and clutches her desperately to him, a hand always slipping down to rest against the swell of her stomach.

But sometimes they lie on their backs, shoulders touching, wide awake as the hours slip by, and the silence remains unbroken. A sigh here, a cough there, until something finally hurts awful enough, with the equivalency of being run over by the Megazord, to talk about.

The room is still, the only sound the whirring of the ceiling fan. The space is cast in darkness that is only broken by the soft light filtering in from the street light outside of the window. But the noise inside of her head is causing small amounts of insanity, "Do you think they're alright?"

He's silent as he stares blindly at the ceiling above him _(because he doesn't know and he could never lie to Emily even if it would make her feel better)._

"I mean…you don't think they're all coping like Mia, do you?"

The image is still engrained at the forefront of his mind, the pink ranger so far gone in her haze, "No, I don't think they would."

She turns to face him, blonde hair splaying out across her pillow, "…Jayden, do you think…do you think they'll come back?"

This time she receives no answer.

iii.

She wakes from her nap to find her stomach exposed and coated heavily with dry patches of green and yellow paint. Snorting good naturedly she dips a finger in the yellow and makes a slow swirl over her barely-there stomach. The two colors blend slowly when the yellow slips into some moist green, until it's more pea green than yellow and she wonders which color her child will take on, if, God forbid, the child should be required to shoulder the role. It hadn't occurred to her before that moment, as her head tilts to the side. She didn't want this life for their child, but she was no longer in a position to help fight and keep the world safe from evil.

Mike saunters in holding a bottle of black paint, just to smile sheepishly when he finds her smirking at him, "Uh, hey Em!"

"Hi," she tugs her lower lip with her teeth and then gestures to her stomach with her hands, "I didn't realize you were still practicing your symbol powers again, Mike. They're getting a little sloppy."

His nose crinkled and he chuckles "Nah, just samuraizing Peanut up with the family colors."

Emily's smile falls and as her face becomes an open book he takes her hands in his, "I know Em, I don't want it for Peanut either."

Worried eyes flit to the Samuraizer on his hip, "Promise me you'll always come back to us, when you get the call?"

A kiss to the swirl of colors on her abdomen, "I Promise."

x.

Somewhere along the way she'd found she enjoyed watching him meditate. His back straight, palms open and facing the ceiling, and breaths coming deep and easy; it was peaceful to just witness it. Mike couldn't sit still long enough to attempt the exercise, and she'd never been able to silence her mind long enough to perform it adequately. He cracks his left eye open and stares at her before jerking his head in a gesture for her to sit next to him.

Awkwardly, she lowers herself onto the floor and folds her legs as well as she can. She flips her hands like he has his and closes her eyes, "Breathe out the negativity and hurt. Breathe in healing and positive energy."

_(And it _hurts_ in a way she never knew that meditation could.)_

Voice trembling she vocalizes her greatest fear, "I don't want to lose him."

One of his hands settles into hers, "He'll always be with you."

_(Promise me you'll move on if I die. I… Please Em? Okay, I promise. But I won't promise to forget you! Good.)_

vii.

The smell of stir fry rouses her from her slumber and she finds Jayden placing the bowl on the bedside table next to her head along with a large pill. They haven't spoken since the first day when he'd been told of everyone else leaving her. By the look on his face at the time he hadn't realized they'd left. _(She thinks maybe it would have been better for him to leave rather than stay here out of pity.)_

"…thanks."

Jayden stiffens at the sound of her voice before he nods jerkily and leaves the room.

_(Sometimes she wishes it had been her instead)_

Her stomach is visible now, three months gone by for development, and she prays that this child is a boy. _(Because it's been two months since he died and she misses his smile.)_

xiv.

The first time they're allowed to see her again, she's lying in a white room devoid of windows.

Emily holds her pale hand gently as the girl sleeps, "I wish we could have helped her sooner, I wish I hadn't let them leave."

Jayden's leaning against the wall opposite of her watching her with their teammate, "There's nothing you could have done, Em. She's safe now."

Mia's recuperating at a rapid rate, her face filled with color again, and her body redeveloping muscle where it had receded.

"I just want everything to go back to the way it was before, I just want for everything…for it to be okay again." Her voice is so wistful, and she's picturing days of sparing and choking down Mia's latest concoction.

He offers her a sympathetic half smile.

"S'not your fault Em." It's murmured and quiet and Emily's eyes light up as the older girl squeezes her hand.

"Mia! You're awake!" Jayden's smiling as Emily chatters on excitedly to the older girl, constantly telling her how proud of her she is with her progress. She promises that she can come stay with the two of them when she's released and that, so long as she doesn't mind hearing an infant crying in a few months, she can stay with them as long as she'd like. _(It's the first time she's looked like herself in over four months.)_

_He's going to find the rest of their team, just to make sure that that smile remains on her face._

xv.

Antonio's pacing back and forth on the dock, hands ringing each other, "I _can't_ Jay. You weren't there; you didn't see the look in her eyes when we told her that Mike didn't make it."

"I saw the look in her eyes when she told me that her team had deserted her." The pained expression that crosses his childhood friend's face makes him bite his tongue before continuing on, "She wants everyone back together. She _needs_ her family back."

The dark haired ranger turns to him and shakes his head, "Let me think about it, Jay."

He smirks and nods, "I half expected for you to say it was all golden."

Emily finds a fresh basket of fish on their door step the next morning.

_(It's a step closer to her having her family back together.)_

xvii.

Emily's grinning from ear to ear; the banners have been hung, balloons placed throughout the house, and she hadn't been nauseous all week. She's bouncing on her toes and the child within her is flipping and kicking from the effects of her pleasurably excited endorphins.

The locks in the door click clack and the door opens to reveal Jayden with Mia, "WELCOME HOME!"

She's squealing and laughing in delight as the other girl smiles happily and wraps her in a hug, "Thank you so much."

When Mia steps back from the glowing girl she's crouching down and resting her hand on the swell beneath her dandelion dress, "Hi Minnie Mike, you're not causing you're sweet Mommy any trouble are you?"

The soft tap of a kick is felt against her hand and Emily giggles, delighted, "I think he likes you, Auntie Mia."

The older girl looks up at her with teary eyes and a smile, "Thank you Emily, thank you so much."

Jayden's setting Mia's bags down in her designated room when there's a tap on the back door. His fingers grasp the samuraizer on his hip as he wraps his fingers around the door knob.

"Hey man it's freezing out here, open up!"

"Antonio," He's grinning as he opens the door to the man.

He's got an ice chest in his arms and he's grinning from ear to ear, "In the flesh, baby."

"Come on in, Mia just came home." Antonio's smile falters for a second, he knows what happened to their pink ranger and it's a startling relief to find out one of his sister figures was alright after all, "That's golden man!"

"Hey Em, you'll never guess what I found in the backyard." Jayden's smiling when he enters the living room and finds the two girls settled on their paint covered couch.

Her eyes widen and she smiles openly when their golden ranger appears behind him, "Antonio!"

_(They're all finding their way back home.)_

Emily tilts her head to the side after wrapping him in a hug, "How'd you get in the backyard anyways?"

xvi.

"Kevin."

The man stops his precise movements with his wooden katana, his shoulders rolling back slowly, "Jayden."

"Emily wanted me to check and make sure you were alright. I wanted to see how you were holding up." His hands are tucked into his pockets and he gives a warm smile.

Jayden's standing poised, observing his friend's concentration, and Kevin just shrugs, "It isn't going to work; you're not going to get me to come back."

"I would never try to make a samurai do something against his code, especially you."

Kevin's silent for a moment, eyes trained on the dummy before him, "I still can't believe he's gone. We didn't always agree on tactics or preparation, and I thought that he needed more discipline, but in the end he was always my friend, practically my brother."

"I know," the red ranger reaches for a wooden katana and balances it on his hand.

"It's like…like I'm waiting to walk in the city one day and find him sitting on a bench in the arcade playing around with some of his old friends, or for him to be stuffing his face with pizza, or making confetti fall in the dojo. I never thought he'd be the first one to go. Now his line has ended, and I can't help but think the world has lost something…special."

"Emily's pregnant Kevin, she's twenty-two weeks along."

The blue ranger's head snaps to look at him for the first time since he'd shown up, "She's pregnant?"

Jayden nods and switches the katana between his hands, "She wants her family back Kev, she's still waiting for her brother in blue. Spar with me?"

A crooked smile forms and the logical man nods, "Yeah, alright."

_Maybe healing requires a lot of hurt and confusion before the breakthrough._

xviii.

They're enjoying a day on the beach, the sun is slowly sinking in the sky and a few children are still running about. There's a fire going and a pan with fresh fish simmering away.

"So why are we not back with Ji? Why are we all imposing on our lovely yellow ranger's hospitality?" Antonio's watching over Mia's shoulder making sure she doesn't try to add anything obscure to the fish he's making for their tacos.

Jayden shrugs and turns to look at Emily who's curled against him, eyes closed, "It was the place where everything fell apart, it only seemed fitting that now it's the one place where we could all converge back together."

Mia frowns when Antonio snatches the garlic from her hand, "What was that for? It needs some more!"

"I think there's enough on that piece of fish Mia." The quiet ranger's eyes widened as she turned in a snap.

"Kevin? Kevin!" And she's running and throwing herself in his arms. _(She'd forgotten how safe it felt there)_

Emily's eyes are fighting to open when she hears her friend's voice, "Kev?"

_Because maybe they weren't all there; maybe they were a ranger short, but they all knew he was there in spirit. They all knew he'd been there with each of them the entire time._

xix.

"I think I'm in love with you."

It's barely a whisper in the silence of their room. _(When did it become _theirs_ and not her and Mike's?)_

He's stiff and doesn't say a word.

_She thinks her heart's dying all over again._

xxiii.

Her face contorts in pain. Fingers desperately squeezing her friend's slender digits as the pain increases.

"Emily you've got to push!" Kevin's brushing her sweaty bangs away from her forehead.

Her teeth are digging into her lower lip, her head tossing, she's sobbing in desperation, "I _need _him!"

Mia looks panicked, squeezing the younger girl's hand gently in her own, "Mike's gone Emily, you've got to push!"

The blonde is shaking her head as the tears force their way down her cheeks, "No I need, I need…_Jayden_, where is Jayden?"

xx.

"Where'd he go?" Kevin asks, tying the laces of his running shoes, eyes darting to the time on his watch.

Mia shrugs, "He didn't say."

Emily's throat is dry and somehow this is worse than before, _because at least before she had someone even when she didn't really._

xxi.

"I saw Ji at the market earlier," Antonio's twirling his fishing pole between his fingers, "He said he hasn't seen Jay since he told him he was leaving after losing Mike. Where do you think he could be?"

"I don't know man, but I think its messing Emily up." Kevin's eyes dart to the blonde whose fingers are vaguely tracing over her swollen stomach while her eyes were glazed over.

"I'm worried," Mia's eyes are soft as she stares at her sister-like friend, "Why would Jayden bring us all back together for Emily, if he was just going to leave and hurt her even more?"

Emily wonders if they know she can hear every word they say.

xxiv.

"Her blood pressure's dropping rapidly! She needs to push _now!_" The nurses in the room aren't helping the situation any. All needy and demanding, wanting the baby out on their own time and being tired of waiting around for it. Emily just wants them to go; she can't do this right now anyways.

Antonio disappeared an hour ago, leaving her with a squeamish Kevin and a trembling Mia to console her and help her through the contractions and overbearing pain that shot throughout her whole being.

"I can't _do_ this…" the tears freely rolling down her cheeks reveal her weakness, "_Please_."

A hand slips into hers, "I'm here, Emily."

Time slows, and he's _there_ standing right next to her exactly where she needs him and he looks so much more at peace than he had in such a long time. Antonio's standing at his childhood friend's shoulder and everyone seems to collectively relax with their shoulders dropping in relief.

She pushes and cries.

He presses kisses to her hairline and holds her up when she becomes too tired to do it herself.

"You're almost there, Em. Just a little further. C'mon you can do it."

Her face is pale behind the flush of exertion, "I'm so tired."

"He's there, he's _right_ there, Em. I promise."

And it _hurts_ _(but all the best things do)_ and then the doctor is holding the child up and calling out, "It's a boy" before placing him across her chest.

The child is red all over, mainly composed of arms and legs, and he's got a patch of brown hair in the form of a Mohawk on top of his head. _He's perfect._

"Hi Peanut," And a peace fills the void where _something_ had constantly ached before, because this child wasn't his father. But he was the final gift from him and she couldn't have imagined anything that would have made her happier.

xxv.

"I love you." It's whispered, in the middle of the night while Michael's being set in his bassinet after a feeding. For a moment the room is quiet and still, no words coming from either of the bed's occupants.

Emily turns to him with a soft smile and brushes her fingers over the contours of his face. He's grown softer, more open and less independent, the passive side of him that he had maintained in their previous battles had been worn away. He still lives remembering his father's last words to him and honoring them, and he speaks them to his son frequently. His eyes now shined with his adoration for her and his love for the small bundle wrapped next to their bed.

"That's really good. Because I know I'm in love with you too."

His fingers catch in her hair and his lips press softly to hers.

_And then, her life was perfect again._

Fin.


End file.
